


Ashes to Flesh

by Paynes_Grey



Category: Batman - Fandom, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-03
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-06-04 19:00:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15153563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paynes_Grey/pseuds/Paynes_Grey
Summary: What does one do on the anniversary of their death date? Celebrate? Mostly, Jason just ends up drinking himself into oblivion. Until an old friend shows up.





	Ashes to Flesh

            Acid. Jason thought. He wanted- needed- to focus on something other than _that,_ so he thought about something else. Like, acid. It was the first thing that came to mind seeing as how that was what was burning in his throat at the moment. He tried to swallow it down with whiskey- he knew it wouldn’t help the burn of the acidity he felt corroding his throat, he did it in hopes to numb the burning from his thoughts- of his heavy heart. Today was the day he died.

            Not to sound like- nor be confused with, some action-packed bullshit Hollywood film, no; the day he _actually died._ Beaten, bruised, _broke,_ and burned. The day his life was much literally, figurative, and metaphorically- blown to bits. The moment he entered hell, and escaped from its clutches. Death by explosion, to be reborn in a pit- _drowning._

           Drowning in much more than liquid acid. That pit, The Lazarus Pit, much like the acid in his throat- _burned._ It burned so badly, and yet, his mind was so fractured it- was almost like he returned with just _so_ much, _too much-_ and yet so- _empty._ As if after he was resurrected– (and isn’t _that_ a thing to haunt your dreams) and after he came back fully loaded with his body, skin, and appendages, maybe-.. maybe it didn’t bring back his soul.. or, his _whole_ soul. Or it was corrupted, but by any means- he didn’t feel very _complete,_ anymore.

 

            You know what it _feels_ like, to die? And then _come back_? The problem was- no. No one had. He was alone- and always, so alone. No one but him knew what it was like- to be _alive_ on the day that you _died._ Today was the anniversary of the day his younger self and old life- were brutally murdered and brought back. Do you wanna know what that’s like? Let me tell you, it’s more than a fucking mess, it’s a goddamn nightmare.

            So, how does one- what- “celebrate?” their death date? Jason didn’t know, since his frame of reference was quite limited, so, how _he_ did it, got through it- was to distract himself. Some years he does different things, stay out all night beating people to a pulp, tossing money away left and right like a spendthrift, but- most _all_ notably have shared the same ending- him drinking himself into oblivion- because, yeah, um, _fuck_ this. As tough and bullet proof as he pretends to be- he is only human. He thinks..  partially, at least.

 

            So he’s a bottle of Jack and how many ever beers all over the floor and counters in- when he finds himself slumped over his couch cushion on the floor- his left hand sporting the whiskey bottle, his right- a burner phone. He’s staring at the contact’s number- and the little square icon picture he’s set for Dick, a silhouette of a circus performer in a mid-swing, arched back like an acrobat. His thumb swiping back and forth over the green call button, thinking of reasons to call- but then thinking of what he would- could- possibly even say.

            He laughs at himself for being so stupid. Being so _positive_ – he barked back a sarcastic laugh. Dick is always so _positive._ What a useless trait to have. He can’t call him; what would that conversation look like?    ‘Hey Dick, it’s Jay. Yes, I’m aware I’m very intoxicated. Why did I call? Oh, you know _(because it’s the day that I died and my heart hurts and I feel so empty inside?)_ Oh, you know. Just to say _hi._ Catch up with you. How’s the Bats?’

            A sudden swell of nausea threatens to make its way up Jason’s esophagus but he firmly gulps it down. _Nope._ Nuh-uh. He does _not_ need to even have that name- non-the-less- image or _any_ thing of that man enter his brain today- no way. He needs to push _those_ feels down, real hard- real fast. What would help with that?

            Sitting up and leaning lightly to the left, the bottles liquid content swirls to one side _. Oh, right._ The warm liquid slides down his burning throat as he takes another cigarette to his lips, flame to his face. _A cackling laugh_. The cherry burns bright red. _Hot. Fire._ His lungs fill with smoke. _His lungs fill with smoke._ And he’s coughing. _He’s choking_. He can’t breathe-! _He can’t-!_

            Suddenly the whiskey bottle is empty- the rest of its contents pooling along the floor. He’s gasping for breath- trying to breathe- but oh, God, he can’t -! He needs to escape! Escape the laughter – the timer is ticking -! He’s burning – it hurts! _It hurts-! Please Batman, Nightwing- Dad, Dick!_

            “AHG!” He’s screaming, sobbing, clenching the bottle and suddenly it’s gone – it’s in pieces floating amongst the spill. “GOD _damnit!”_ He seethes, shaking. “God, _DAMNIT!”_ He throws a fist down _hard_ as the coffee table snaps, splinters in his bloody fists he doesn’t notice nor pay attention to. He’s angry. He’s shaking. He’s angry that he’s shaking, and he’s shaking because he’s _pissed._

 _Why_ is he so goddamn _weak?!_ He’s _pathetic-!_ And he _knows it,_ currently believes it- with every fiber of his being. He can’t get over himself, really? _He should be over this by now!_ And he feels breakdowns like these take all the progress he’s made since he returned- and turns it all into nothing. Makes everything he did before he was murdered- mean nothing, too. So by that logic then, all the work he’s accomplished- all the tiresome days he trained, surveyed, saved, killed- the sleepless nights he’s screamed his way through- working around every day to finish these tasks, working his life away to complete- _the only thing he’s good at_ , the only thing he _does-_ breakdowns like these take _all of that-_ and just instantly- make it all feel like it was worth nothing. And if it all means nothing, neither then, must his life. Obviously. Maybe he’s always just been a lost cause.

 

            He laughs and shakes his head, his eyes dart to a particularly jagged and sharp piece of bottle as he grabs it. _Look at me._ He berates himself as he stares down at his chest, his arms and legs-  littered in old healed wounds. His skin out and revealed since he was only clad in the longer type of boxer shorts. _What’s one more scar?_

 

            There was- wait.. was there? Yeah.. hold on a minute.. He mind jumbled. There was a- no, there were knocks on his door and..- _there were knocks on his door!_ Came here to finish the job, huh? He reached over right as the door opened and as he saw the faintest flash of color he whipped a long shard of glass, cutting his hand slightly in the process as it sliced through the air and the objects’ target moved swiftly to avoid it. Like- _stealthy_ swift.

            “ _Jeezus,_ Jay! I said it was me!” Came an exasperated tone from an equally exasperated face and body structure, but soon after he lifted his eyes and they met the others, the man’s whole tone shifted into something more calm, and resigned. He raised hands slowly as he placed something on his counter, moving closer, slow and concentrated. “Hey, Jason.” He smiled coming closer still, eyes stone set on his- though somehow had already scanned the whole scene. “You black-out drunk, or you here with me?”

            Jason cocked his head slightly at the older man in front of him, moving forwards as if trying to capture a wild animal, or talk down a criminal. The thought made Jason’s face scowl. “I only ask-” The other man began, “Because you’re still holding a sharp weapon of glass, and it appears to me like you want to play drunken darts with me- or more accurately- _at_ me.” He smiled as he sunk to the floor feet from Jason’s body, still slanted back against the couch. Jason stared at his hand slowly, huh. Wouldn’t you know it.

            He dropped the shard of glass and saw his cigarette burned into the couch. He sighed. “That could start a house fire, don’t cha know.” The voice calming joked. “What would you do without me?” The man cocked his head with a smirk.

            Jason, unaware of just how bad this situation probably looked until he observed it, was calm enough until he did. The broken glass, whiskey and tear stricken face. Any and every feeling he had all morphed into one. Anger. “Go-way Dick.” He muttered and half-hearted swiped an arm outwards.

            The other man just kept smiling, a soft, almost sweet and calming smile. “Jay-bird, I would much rather stay with you.”

 _“Don’t”_ Jason hissed. “Call me that.” His gaze and tone lowering dangerously. Nightwing breathed in and out and somehow seemed to have moved closer.

            “Please, Jay. Don’t push me away.” Dick pleaded softly as Jason scoffed.

            “Oh, you _re_ ally don’t have to keep up the ‘golden-boy perfect Dick Grayson’ routine up around _me._ ” He spat coldly, but no matter how much anger he kept projecting- the other man refused to be bothered by it- to react towards it- which almost made him more tense.

            “I would never be anything but myself around you, Jason. My respect and love for you is far too much to ever pretend- or to ever leave you if you’re hurting.”

            Jason laughed suddenly. “OH, _please._ ” He huffed.

            Dick didn’t lose any of his resolve though. “Do ‘pretty perfect golden-boys’ ever _lie?_ ”

            Jason huffed out a breath of air. “Don’t recall callin you ‘pretty.’ ”

            Dick smiled genuinely. “Oh, you didn’t have to.” He winked as beamed a little brighter as Jason cracked a smile back. “Jay?” Dick’s light tone of his question brought Jason’s eyes up almost sheepishly, his body tense, still caught between wanting Dick to wrap him up in a tight embrace- or run away and jump out the window.

            “What?” He gruffed.

            “I brought some new action movies, and something to eat. I was really hoping you’d want to spend some time with me tonight.” Jason half-smirked, half rolled his eyes at how _perfectly_ constructed Dick’s words were.

            “Fuck you and your damned bat-taught negotiation tactics, Dick.”

            “I’m simply saying, I wanted to see you, make you some dinner, and watch movies with my bro, okay? No negotiations. If you say yes, we’ll have a lovely night; if you say no, I’ll go. Just like that. I’ll leave your place, and be forced to spend the night all alone, sleeping on the streets.”

            Jason shook his head. “You’re an idiot, why would you be on the streets?”

            Dick looked at him like _he_ was the idiot. “Because I’d have nowhere to sleep if you kicked me out.”

            “ _Besides_ your mansion.” Jason dead-panned.

            “Nope.” Dick shook his head. “Nowhere else I’d rather be then here, with _you._ ” Jason exhaled long and hard. “Please.” Dick finished. “I will go, if you would really rather be alone. But, please Jace. Only if you _truly_ want to be.” Where the soft pleading ended with his words, his eyes finished stating with those watery big blinking blue orbs.

            Rule number one. _It’s rule_ _number ONE_. Don’t be a fool; if something seems too good, it’s because it’s probably true. A flick of anger sparked up again in Jason as he sat, then stood up and Dick followed. Jason was leaning and stumbled slightly before correcting himself. “Stop it!” Jason pointed towards Dick firmly. “ _Stop pretending!_ ” Dick stood strong, of course he would.

            “I’m not.”

            “ _Stop it!”_

            “I will _never stop_ being..-! Here, for you.” He swallowed tightly, uncomfortably.

            Jason stopped suddenly, frozen. “..what were you going to say?” Because even intoxicated out of his mind, of course he spotted the hesitation. Fuck. Dick bit his lip. “Hah, I fuckin knew it. Get the fuck out of here.” Dick stood, silent. “Get- the fuck- OUT!” Jason screamed, Dick flinched. Jason almost felt guilty- almost.

            “Jay-”

            “No, stop your bullshit, it’s clear now that you came out here for some other reason- out of some sense of guilt- or pity; just fuckin _leave_ Nightwing, I don’t need your _bull_ shit!” Dick bit his lip even harder.

            “I wasn’t- I wasn’t trying to hide anything from you-“

            “ _And yet.”_ Jason interrogated. Dick opened his mouth, closed it, opened it. “Just spit it out! What is too delicate to say that I can’t hear? Tell me, or leave. Or better yet- just leave.” Jason took a step forward, all bite and rage. “Before I make you.”

            Dick’s back straightened and apparently, so did his resolve. “Jason, you-” He started out almost with a bite, but reeled it in. “Jason, I didn’t come here out of obligation. I came here because I _wanted to.”_ Jason scoffed. “I hesitated before because.. Well.., I was going to say something I didn’t know I was _going_ to.. Seemed like my lips moved a little faster than my mind.”

            “Yeah? What are you _holding back_ from me that you don’t want to t-tell me, huh?” He hiccupped. “That I’m being childish? That I should grow up already? Get over myself? Huh? That I need to stop feeling s-sorry for mysellf?” He slurred, throwing arms in a sudden wild frantic. “I know all this Dick, I know!” He yelled with tears streaming hotly down his face. “I’m a pathetic loser who can’t get past his past- just go away and leave already like everybody else did!” Dick’s heart plummeted as Jason continued. “I _know,_ okay? I _know_ I’m a fuckin failure ‘wonder-boy prodigy’ who wasn’t w-worth what he always thought he was; who meant a lot less than his ego portrayed he was. _Oh so easy_ to replace. A lost, stupid child who _everybody knows_ was better off dea-”

 

            Dick moved so swiftly to close the gap between them, Jason barely had time to ready his arms for a fight as they were pinned tightly against his chest, with broad, trained muscles squeezing the seeping anger almost right out of him and suddenly- before he could register it- his body was trembling. His arms and legs shook, his breaths coming in fast and shallow and- oh shit. He was going to have a panic attack.

            “Shhh, shh, sh. Ssshhh. Jay. Jay, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

            “Huhh-hh-” Jason tried.

            “Shh, just breathe, little bird, I’ve got you.”

            “D-Dick, I- I’m so-”

            “Shh, I know. It’s okay.” The arms tightened. A few moments later and Jason was actually calmed down somewhat. Was somewhat in the moment despite the whole- drunk as fuck and hadn’t eaten anything all day while also being completely physically and emotionally spent factor but- still. He was _calm._ Nightwing sat them down on the couch. “I..” Dick began, almost avoiding Jason’s eyes but thinking better of it, connecting them instead. “No, _I’m_ sorry. I shouldn’t have hesitated.”

            “Just- forget about it.. please.”

            “It’s nothing bad, Jason. It’s something about me.. is all. You know I have trouble talking about myself-“ Jason choked on a laugh as Dick smirked and lightly punched him on the arm. “About my _feelings,_ not obviously how incredibly gracious and sexy I am in general.” Jason cracked a fraction of a smile. “Look, I- how about dinner and movies? And, then I can tell you; if you want. I don’t want it to ruin the night, is all.” Nightwing said delicately and Jason could tell he was sincere in his truth.

            “Okay.” He nodded. “Dinner and movies sound pretty good.”

            “Damn right.” Dick countered with a wide and white grin.

 

 

 

            Jason felt less intoxicated as the chicken soup and rice meal settled in his stomach, bandaged wrapped hands laid comfortably in his lap as he sat aside his formerly adopted brother, and he actually felt- okay. Better than he had in a long time actually.. Tears built up in his eyes as he angrily forced them to stay back.

            “Everything okay, Jay?” Dick asked tenderly as Jason nodded and slowly closed his eyes, nodding off as the exhaustion of the day hit him like a freight train. His hazy mind making out small noises and shadows here and there- Dick cleaning up the spill, the glass, the table, the plates. Grabbing something else off his floor and standing quietly, apparently looking at it, trapped in thought.

            Although tired as hell, Jason’s curiosity still peeked as so did an eye, just a fraction- to see what it was that made Dick freeze. Dick’s head and neck were illuminated in a bright blue light by- oh, it was his phone- staring deeply with this _look_ on his face and suddenly- there are tears there, too. “Dick?” He says quietly as Dick hiccups a little and lets out a fond, albeit sort of _sad_ laugh.

            “Jason..” And he’s tilting his phone _just_ -so, that Jason can see what’s on the screen. The last thing he had loaded up- Dick’s contact information.

            Jason gulps and shrugs. “So I thought about saying hello, big deal. Don’t get a big head about it.” He tries in an attempt to blow it off and end it at that, but it doesn’t- because Dick is crossing the space between them, placing the phone by his side, and looking Jason right in the damned eyes with his utterly attractive, very sincere face that Jason doesn’t know what to do about. He opens his mouth but Dick starts first.

            “I hesitated earlier, when you said to leave because, I had almost blurted out.. and it just felt wrong – not _wrong- wrong_ but like wrong _time_ wrong–”

            “Dick.” Jason exasperated. “Fuck, just spit it out would’ja?” And suddenly Dick’s hands, a soft and calloused mixture, were framed around his face and his lips, soft and split in an area he must have been hit, were framed around Jason’s own as he kissed him.

            He pulled back slowly, his hands pulling back even slower. Dick looked almost shy, but mostly heartfelt and direct. “I almost said, that there will never be a day- that I would ever stop being, in love, with you. You idiot..” He huffed and Jason must be crazy because- fuck- he started laughing too.

            “Dick..”

            “No, it’s okay.. if you want me to go I will sti-“ He was abruptly cut off by Jason’s lips back on his, both getting braver each second that past until all of about six seconds later when all disagreements or reason died on their lips and Jason was pushing Grayson’s back against the couch cushion and straddled him, lips never losing their connection.

            “You’re not going anywhere _now._ ” Jason grumbled as Dick playfully bit his lip and pulled back.

            “Well, _actu_ ally..”

            “Hn?-!” Jason began as hands tightly grasped around his ass and lifted him up off the couch, walking them towards Jason’s bed, lips still not losing their constant touch. “Oh, you little do-gooder. Told you you had hidden motives. Make a guy some dinner an bring him some movies all dressed up like _that_ \- oomf.” Jason’s back landed on his bed as Dick made a show of slowly towering and leaning over him. Just like him to make it all a goddamn performance. He supposes he would expect nothing less from Dick fuckin Grayson.

            Not that he’s imagined how this very moment would ever play out.. many, multiples times.

            “Hm? Dressed up like _what,_ exactly?” He asked innocently. “I’m just wearing _clothes,_ Jay.” Jason laughed and his legs came up to wrap around Dick’s waist, pulling him closer as Dick’s hand landed on the mattress either side of Jason’s neck before they started to wander around his body.

            “Yeah, yeah.” Jason quipped, pulling off the mattress and grinding up against Dick as Dick’s mouth dropped open slightly with _this noise_. “Oh, you look _good_ in that outfit, but _Lord_ have mercy- let’s get you out of it.”

 

 

 

            Sunlight for once, didn’t wake Jason up in a panic, with slight anxiety inside his heart. Nor was it the only thing that awoke him. Slight movement from his side and a warm heavy arm draped around his lower torso brought a fond smile tingling on his lips, and something inside that was so light and lovely, and only lasted being satisfying until it straight up _frightened him_.

            A harsh shudder ran through his skin as Jason jerked out of bed. Oh, never mind, _there_ was that anxiety. Dick awoke with a start, a worried look across his face. “Jay, hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong? Bad dream?”

            He looks at Dick, shirtless, at his muscles across his bare chest, soft skin, warm smile, loving and sweet. And oh, wasn’t this such a pleasant dream? Jason nodded slowly. “Yeah, bad dream, Dick. It’s- this- this is just a _dream,_ Wing.” He shook his head, his desperation growing as Dick sat up and padded the bed asking Jason to sit. He shook his head a little more aggressively to stress his point. “I can’t have this.” He exasperated almost so painfully it hurt Dick. “I- I can’t. Nn..” He clenched his head in his hands, shaking slightly. Suddenly, Dick was there. Right in front of him, but not touching until he knew it was okay.

            “Jay, Jason, talk to me.” Dick said tranquilly, a cooling soothing tone that floated over Jason that made him want it all so much worse. Dick eventually led him to sitting side by side on Jason’s bed where they had spent their first night together just hours before.

            Jason finally raised his hands from his head, almost in a numb state. Dick trying to pin-point precisely what could be making Jason so upset that his mind has him disassociating just to relay it. He figured out the main possibilities, just waiting for Jason to come to terms with the emotions and words to convey it. Dick figured most of this panic attack out. Of course he knew. Being a superhero is scary- not because you’re putting yourself in danger- but those you love. Being a hero with a history of loss and violence like Jason’s, and add that to being in love with _another_ hero, of _their family,_ well. Dick understands. _Of course_ he does.

            “Jason, I’m not going to try to sell you a bit about this not being complicated, but, there is something about it that’s _real_ easy.” Jason turned slightly to face Dick and his face became a little brighter as he continued. “How I feel about you; and how I’m sure you feel about me- that’s easy enough.”

            Jason sighed. “Dick.. I won’t be able to get you out of my head..”

            “S’that _such_ a bad thing?” Dick tried with that smile which Jason returned, just quite sadder.

            “Yeah, Wing. It is.” He returns to looking at his palms for a second. “I need my mind sharp, focused; as you know it wouldn’t be good, for either of us to get into.”

            “He says, totally _not_ _already_ sounding like the over-bearing boyfriend.” Dick teased, seeing some life return into Jason at the mention of their intimacy. “And, also not to sound like the _‘babe, it’s okay, I’ll be fine’_ damsel who dates the superhero, but-  hey, babe, I’ll be fine.” Dick winked. “I can take care of myself.”

            Jason winced lightly at that as he turned again to face him. “Yeah..” He starts softly. “You can..”

            Dick inched closer and moved his hand even more so towards Jason. “Is that it? You don’t think you’ll be able to? If we, we’re.. whatever we are right now? Fuck buddies?”

            “Dick..”

            “What is it, Jay? You’re scared I’m going to get hurt? It’s okay-”

            “It’s not!” Jason roared as he stood up, Dick following suit.

            “It _is._ You know our line of work, I’m eventually going to hurt sometime and-“

            “- _and,_ I won’t be able to handle it! I- I, c-can’t.. lose.. y-”

            “-Jason.” Dick wrapped his arms around him in a tight, safe embrace. “You need to give yourself more credit, you’re stronger than you believe.”

            “..Did you really just feed me that Winnie the Pooh bullshit, Dick?” He mumbled into Dick’s shoulder as the other man chuckled and put some distance between them.

            “How about- we spar.” Jason looked at him. “Seriously.” Dick answered back to his look. “Then I can really show you how tough I am, and that you don’t have to worry about losing me, that you don’t have to worry so much- about everything.” His smile was almost like a beacon of light that pulled Jason towards it for safe harbor.

            Jason huffed. “Okay, bird-brain. Let’s spar.”

 

 

 

And really, Jason should have expected nothing less than a sparring match with a shirtless Dick Grayson would have ended up any other way than in a wrestling match, which turned into a heated, passionate romp, followed by an adorable, compassionate, encouraging pep-talk that had Jason rethinking everything about wanting to push Dick, and all of _this,_ away.

What was he thinking, honestly. Jason couldn’t get rid of Dick Grayson if he _tried._


End file.
